"Do you ever feel you've become the worst version of yourself? That a Pandora's box of all the secret, hateful parts - your arrogance, your spite, your condescension - has sprung open? Someone upsets you and instead of smiling and walking away, you zing them? "Hello, it's Mr Nasty."
~ Tom Hanks as Joe Fox in 'You've Got Mail'
Dear Naked Apes, I can relate to this man.
I've been told many a time about "the craze". The craziness that consumes you when you're planning a wedding. I've seen the frazzled couples, their frayed edges glaringly apparent, but I've never known why exactly they'd become so.
However, I've now experienced a handful of melt downs myself. And every time after they're over, I think they're pretty funny. Mostly because they don't always make sense : ) So I've decided to document them here:
- August: woke Tommy up SUPER early by knocking on his bedroom door bawling my eyes out because I thought we might have to wait until the following August to get married. Good morning to you too love.
- January: Lost Tommy right after finding out that my little brother took my sincere offer to choose whether he wanted to come to Idaho or not. I realized I really wanted him to come and all I had to do was call him and tell him so. Instead I wandered around campus squishing tears out of my eyeballs looking for my misplaced 6 foot 1 fiance.
- Some night in late February: Tommy dropped me off at the end of the night like he does every night. Except this time I cried. He tentatively asked if I was PMS-ing. No clue why.
- March: I almost cried in the pharmaceutical line at Broulims when the lady said I couldn't refill my birth control prescription because it was "too soon". She was no doubt confused, but was a darling, stopped asking questions and got me a refill.
- Two days later in March: I opened up my email inbox, and you guessed it: cried again.
Anyone have a baby age 0-2 years? Do any of these behaviors sound familiar??
They do to me.
Therefore I've come to following conclusions:
Society believes that:
woman+accepted proposal = bridezilla
and
Bride+bride's mother OR mother-in-law = bridezilla and queen kongs
and
Bride+ [bride+best friend] = Bride wars
and
bride is to veil as bride is to zilla: the closer the two are the more likely they are to become one and the same.
I also believe:
woman+wedding = flood warning
woman+wedding = miniature army [Napoleon could have taken Russia with these.]
woman+wedding = baby [no man needed, just give the girl time and she'll act the part.]
Therefore it's a really good thing women haven't run the world thus far. Because if we were the hunters, scavengers, fighters, conquerors, rulers....everyone would be dead or crying by now.
Instead I had a melt-down. A "my wedding is 9 days away and I feel the fire to do things NOW" kind of melt down.
I did a lot of bouncing on my bed as I scorched my laptop with my flying fingers and google-prowess.
I listened to popular songs I don't really like but were of the appropriate amount of edge, tempo, and angsty-gangsta-ness that I needed to hone in my marriage madness mojo.
I left my bedtop to do only one thing:
Pee.
I wielded my cell phone like a saber, calling those I've never dared to call before. And, in a semi-crazed state, filled up at least five sticky notes with categorized lists depending on my means of transportation, various deadlines, and persons with whom I would be speaking. My laptop edge is lined with these beautiful soldiers.
I made sure not to hyperventilate. However I did give myself possibly my first conscious, self-induced, stress headache. I would have been proud of that fact had it not been uncomfortable for my upmost appendage.
I ate breakfast around 11, lunch around 4, and finally left the house around 6pm.
Because Becca and Alisa had pledged their allegiance to me and my cause, sucked me for information, formed lists of their own, and demanded I leave the house.
I got as far as subway in Becca's car, bought dinner, and reconvened with Tommy back at my apartment to consume the tasty morsel.
I made a huge delicious mess and did not feel sorry.
Then I went to class. Not a class I was supposed to go to on a daily or weekly basis, but a class that my classmates were teaching only once and that I will be teaching on Saturday. Did I go to investigate their game plan and learn of their secrets? Yes. Did I eat their homemade chocolate chip cookies? Definitely. Did I add to their lesson? I contributed my opinion from time to time and asked a question because it was super awkward and silent in there....so maybe?
THEN the best part happened.
Tommy saved me after conquering the world, and took me off on an adventure to discover the perfect mattress.
We finally seized the beast, slew it, and slung it upon our trusty stead, strapping it down with towing cable strong enough to lug a semi and defy the storming heavens.
He took me home, had me close my eyes, and led me into our dim, new apartment which was freshly lit with draped christmas lights and home-making gifts he'd gathered all day to surprise me with : ) It was beautiful : )
We now own a squat little bookshelf, an exercise bouncy ball, a full length mirror, christmas lights, a love seat, coffee table, bed, and a nightstand.
And the best part of all of that is the 'we' part that is almost 100% true : )
8 days from now we get to go inside the temple we drove past on our way back to his place, and I've never felt so good about it. We are exactly where we need to be, and heaven feels like it's brushing my fingertips saying hello.
Today was wonderful : )
Hope yours was too nakies : )
p.s. Happy St. Patrick's Day. Kiss people. They could be Irish ; )
Well peeps, it's been about three hours and I'm sure I'm not going to sleep until at least noon so I'm giving up. Besides I've been inspired.
Today I'm 13 days away from entering into a covenant with God and the man that I love. That's a promise that I'll hold for the rest of eternity. It's endless. And it means that if I hold out faithful, God will honor his side of the promise. I'll be able to go home someday to my God, holding the hand of my best friend and love.
Now to be perfectly honest with you, I'm scared of the weight of this promise. I'm scared of my own weaknesses and imperfections. But I have come to know of the eternal importance of such a promise, the blessings that God rains down, and of the great love that God has for each of us. This is our greatest freedom. To not fear the death of our bodies or of our spirits. To not fear loneliness or abandonment. To know that there is more than this life, that there is a greater light than the sun and moon and stars. There is a greater purpose to our existence than suffering, confusion, fear, trial, heartache, and getting caught up in the distracting things of this world. There is a greater gift that extends past the bounds of this life, and smaller gifts that God wants us to open now all the time because he loves us.
This past week we discussed angels in one of my classes. Most people have heard of heavenly angels even if they don't believe in them. But we talked about mortal angels. People on this earth, living with us right now, who bless our lives every day. People who touch us, help us, guide us, love us so much that we know: we could not have been more blessed had God sent down angels from heaven. I've thought a lot about the people who have been angels in my life. People who I've thanked and not thanked. I may not have even known them, but my gratitude for what they have rendered me is great, and I would be hard pressed to put it into words. Yet I know I must try because they deserve to know.
Beloved people in my life, who are your angels? I know they are in your lives, they touch your lives, think on them for a moment and perhaps you will see them for what they truly are. Perhaps you will discover what I have; an overwhelming feeling of debt and gratitude and wonder at such beings with such love.
There are so many moments, the closer I come to viewing eternity, where my spirit feels freed. There are little bursts of light amid the mundane things of life, and I want with all of my heart, to give them voice.
- Sue Bagley signed our wedding license a few days ago. She is beautiful. She works all day in an office in Rexburg Idaho, but she is an absolute pleasure to be around, even if it's only for ten minutes. -Tommy and I spent hours yesterday exploring a ranch store, D.I., and peering in the windows of a furniture store we will never be able to afford items from. It was a piece of heaven to skip and walk around with him and just enjoy being together, talking, drooling over cameras, movies and video games we can't afford, testing horrible colognes, looking at adorable bunnies and chicks, testing out mattresses and dog beds, whacking each other with ropes and whips and plastic tubes and bouncy balls. Designing our lives together in our minds. - I get to see Tommy every day. - It was warm on Thursday. I wore a dress. - My family is coming soon :) - On monday I got over myself and made friends with a girl I've been secretly mad at for absolutely stupid reasons. - I sleep ALL night, every night. - I finished a round of tests and papers this week. - I met my visiting teacher in the check out aisle. - My friend just got engaged to a great girl. - I wrote poetry again last week. - I LOVE TOMMY and I know that he loves me back. - I get to read my scriptures anytime I want. - God wants us to ask him for good things and expect to get them. To work for them and trust that he knows us and has heard us. - I haven't felt nauseous or achey yet. - My sister is coming to see me :) - Windy Dawn reminded me of the song "Wavin' Flag". Watch it here, and don't be afraid to bump up the volume.
In it, it says "When I am older, I will stronger, they'll call me Freedom, just like a wavin' flag."
I love that.
To be called freedom to me means you are a Being closer to heaven and light than most of us dare to be. It would mean that you remember love, forgiveness and charity so often it's become a part of you, and your spirit calls out to those around you like a fresh breath of air. It would mean that you see angels all around you and don't forget who they are by calling them anything less. It would mean that you see the light at the end of the tunnel all of the time because you know this life is just a necessary and beautiful passageway onto the next. It would mean you've seen God for who he truly is. You've taken the time to find yourself, forget yourself, and find yourself in God. Figure out how it feels to be near him and to be far away from him, and you've decided for yourself which you like better. Freedom to me means truth. It means understanding. It mean boundless from the laws and walls of man. Freedom to me means seeing and believing in the capability of others. Freedom means loving someone past all of their weakness and your weaknesses, freedom means you've given up being free from others, you've given up being independent, freedom means you've trusted someone else enough to acknowledge that you can't do everything on your own and that is good. Because you know you have to be vulnerable by letting the right someone into your life so that you can grow stronger together. You let people act as angels in your life and you know you have something to contribute in the lives of others.
Freedom means you fall. Freedom means you fly.
When I am older, I will be stronger.
They'll call me Freedom.
Oh to be called such a thing. To know that we don't need to age to be stronger, but still knowing progression is where we are headed. To be called a being who loves, forgives, trusts, falls, repents, trusts, sees eternity while still confined to this mortality, knows of the truth of God, a being who acts boundlessly to improve in everlasting virtues and isn't afraid. Isn't afraid to ask for help and give up a piece of our pride because they know two together achieves more than one. Freedom: to not fear but act in faith. To rise again and again in light. Towards greater light.
Freedom in it's truthfulness is never a solitary state. Free are spirits who have reached out and in and up so many times, they are not confined by their body, they are empowered by it and exude it's frame at every chance that their light is strong enough.
Friends, you are, and have to power to be, angels. I know that to be true. I hope you know you are stronger than you think. And most of all, I hope you know God lives and that you have even an inkling of how much he loves you.
Let them speak truth when they call you Freedom.
p.s. This video is long, but it is beautiful. It's about the temple that was recently dedicated in Kyiv, Ukraine. The gathering of youth is amazing. Please watch it, pass it on. These young people have light in their eyes. I'd call them freedom.
I'm a fan of white teeth. So over a year ago I starting experimenting with:
I didn't like them. They tasted funny, they wanted commitment out of me for like...12 days for two half hour periods of no eating, smiling, happy swallowing or talking to any other living soul. BUT...
I'm a fan of white teeth and on the packaging they say you can combine the two half hour periods together by taking one pair of strips right after the other and I thought GREAT! I could do that during my late hours before bed when I'm evading sleep by doing everything else in my life...
And I did it for maybe 7 days and stopped.
It looked like it was working and COME ON with the inconvenient taste already. But to my dismay, 3 days later my teeth returned back to their normal lack-luster selves.
So I recommitted.
I gave it 5 whole days, bought a new package, gave that one 4 days, and spit my way through a couple more days whenever I felt like my teeth were slipping back into their old ways. And it worked for about the next 8 months..
Which brings us to the past 4-6 months when I've been meaning to use the rest of my crest whitening strips, but couldn't ever seem to find an hour in my day or night when I didn't really want to be eating, smiling, happily swalllowing, sleeping, and/or talking to this very attractive other living soul.
Until Friday, March 11th, 2011.
I put on a pair of strips, a calming face mask, propped myself up in bed and proceeded to listen/watch Elder Perry deliver a fireside talk.
The talk was 32 minutes, the strips needed a half hour, my face mask needed at least 20: I thought it was perfection.
Four and a half hours later I woke up from a dream in which I was convinced I was both Frodo Baggins (we watched Fellowship last night) and chewing bubble gum. How strange! my deaming self thought, I've never had a dream before that I was chewing gum, this bubble gum tastes kind of awful, something is weird...it isn't gum, it isn't gum, why isn't it gum? what is it? what is it? CRAP WAKE UP!!!
I woke up, and remembered, looked at the clock, remembered more, yanked the headphones out of my ears, remembered Elder Perry, shoved my laptop to the side, felt the shriveled up plastic in a sea of saliva in my mouth, and exploded out of my bed. I spat into the first thing I could find (our bedroom garbage aka a propped open brown paper bag full of tissues), spat out a wad of plastic strip, and barreled on to the bathroom sink and mirror spitting more into the first sink and then again into the second.
I saw my face and almost freaked out again, oh yeah, I have a face mask on. Then remembered reading the fine print of the crest whitening strips well over a year before: DO NOT SWALLOW STRIP. DO NOT SWALLOW STRIP. DO NOT SLEEP WITH STRIPS IN. DO NOT SWALLOW STRIP.
I had to know if what I'd spat into our garbage was one strip or two stuck together. I retrieved the bag, picked up something that looked like a freshly flung loogie, and unrolled a single whitening strip.
I ran back to my bed to google whether or not I was going to die from sheer and utter stupidity and found out from several sources that you are really not supposed to swallow the strip. Really. So good to know. One person gave numbers for poison control, and everyone else who said anything past DON'T DO THIS YOU IDIOT, said I wouldn't die, I just might experience a stomach ache and nausea.
I was relieved. And yet still nervous. I could feel the other strip inside my body somewhere around the center of my sternum. And yes, somewhere in all of that I wondered if I should stay up, change my clothes, and go for a run because I never see this side of 7 am having slept and then woken up. However I figured if I'm probably going to be aching inside and nauseous, running might not be the best idea. Being semi-conscious might be really great however, so if I can coach my nerves down to sleep I will.
Hey naked apes, don't swallow whitening strips. It may not be convenient to use whitening strips, but it's never convenient to swallow them and await the effects. Seek the satisfying whiteness in your waking hours. And hey, I'd really love it if our teeth could get whiter by us eating white things...because if coffee etc. stains your teeth, the opposite colored foods should apply, so could one of you invent a way to make that happen please?
