Let's face it kids, hair sucks.
Or I should say, humans are the worst species when it comes to hair. Which leads to the hair suckage. Don't worry, I'll get to it.
Ponder upon, if you will, the mammals of this world. What do they do with their hair? They preen it, they lick it, they comb it with their fingers or their friends fingers. Do they cut it? NO! But do they grow it out to outrageous lengths to begin with? Nope, nope, nope.
Sheep. They do the afro. They do it their whole lives. A whole body afro. They work that like it's in style all the time, and guess what nakies; it is. And it's functional.
Dogs. I'll give it to ya, there are some long haired dogs out there, but usually the ones that end up looking like miniature curtains shuffling around are the ones we've mixed and mated with dogs they probably never would have taken a pass at. So if we'd just left nature alone, they would all be able to walk just fine with the amount of hair their body naturally produces.
The Yak. He needs the hair. If it's a girl, she needs the hair. Someone left these creatures in a perpetual blizzard. To live. They can keep the hair. They have horns to defend their manly or womanly-ness. They are good. Humans don't need hair like yaks because humans should never live near Yaks anyway. Don't live by a yak. Don't milk it. Just don't.
Here's the deal "nakies". By definition we are supposed to be more naked and hairless than apes so why do we have foot after foot of long hair on our heads? It's starting to make up for the lack of body hair we had going for us, we're losing our status quo so let's cut it off.
Let's cut it short. Everybody! It'll be great, we won't need combs or hair ties or headbands or bobby pins to ruin our vacuum cleaners. Lice will have to move on to a hairier species. And when they freeze trying to get to the Yaks of the world, all lice will die and we will all rejoice and eat celebratory rice pudding and pass each others hats around without fear.
We should let the pixie take over. Just run rampant with it. No more midlength awkwardness. Water bills will go down, as no shower will need to exceed five minutes! One shampoo bottle could last 10 months, we might even just start using a bar of soap instead!
Revolution my friends. From now on, ugly hair is long hair! Laziness is not touching scissors to your hair every four weeks! Straighteners can be used for crisping sheets or can be tossed in garbage bins like the bras of old. Nakies once more we will be more hairless than apes! And no one will have to live in an age when humans are referred to as "Hairier than Apes".
Hair sucks! In dry places it gets statically stuck to your face and the head rest of your car. In wet places it takes forever to dry and curly haired people get upset. I'm not sure why, they just do. People go so far as to put plastic grocery bags over their hair just to keep it set after they've messed with it all morning. Men are always expected to comment on it when a woman's hair is different or more fancy than usual. Brides go zilla on their wedding day if their stylist is ill. I still can't curl my hair on my own. I do the "rub with a towel" drying method. My hair is neither here nor there, and yet it's always in the way. I wore a half pony to my brother's graduation. This is what it has come to people.
My hair sucks.
And maybe not all hair sucks, maybe I'm super jealous of people with edgy short haircuts and angry at people with long, gorgeous haircuts because I can't get there in less than two years, and maybe going through the middle phase is worth it because my husband really likes long hair, but OH MY GOODNESS I JUST WANT TO CHOP IT OFF.
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