WARNING: DO NOT SWALLOW

I'm a fan of white teeth.
So over a year ago I starting experimenting with:



I didn't like them. They tasted funny, they wanted commitment out of me for like...12 days for two half hour periods of no eating, smiling, happy swallowing or talking to any other living soul. BUT...

I'm a fan of white teeth and on the packaging they say you can combine the two half hour periods together by taking one pair of strips right after the other and I thought GREAT! I could do that during my late hours before bed when I'm evading sleep by doing everything else in my life...

And I did it for maybe 7 days and stopped.

It looked like it was working and COME ON with the inconvenient taste already. But to my dismay, 3 days later my teeth returned back to their normal lack-luster selves.

So I recommitted.

I gave it 5 whole days, bought a new package, gave that one 4 days, and spit my way through a couple more days whenever I felt like my teeth were slipping back into their old ways. And it worked for about the next 8 months..

Which brings us to the past 4-6 months when I've been meaning to use the rest of my crest whitening strips, but couldn't ever seem to find an hour in my day or night when I didn't really want to be eating, smiling, happily swalllowing, sleeping, and/or talking to this very attractive other living soul.

Until Friday, March 11th, 2011.

I put on a pair of strips, a calming face mask, propped myself up in bed and proceeded to listen/watch Elder Perry deliver a fireside talk.

The talk was 32 minutes, the strips needed a half hour, my face mask needed at least 20: I thought it was perfection.






Four and a half hours later I woke up from a dream in which I was convinced I was both Frodo Baggins (we watched Fellowship last night) and chewing bubble gum. How strange! my deaming self thought, I've never had a dream before that I was chewing gum, this bubble gum tastes kind of awful, something is weird...it isn't gum, it isn't gum, why isn't it gum? what is it? what is it? CRAP WAKE UP!!!



I woke up, and remembered, looked at the clock, remembered more, yanked the headphones out of my ears, remembered Elder Perry, shoved my laptop to the side, felt the shriveled up plastic in a sea of saliva in my mouth, and exploded out of my bed. I spat into the first thing I could find (our bedroom garbage aka a propped open brown paper bag full of tissues), spat out a wad of plastic strip, and barreled on to the bathroom sink and mirror spitting more into the first sink and then again into the second.

I saw my face and almost freaked out again, oh yeah, I have a face mask on. Then remembered reading the fine print of the crest whitening strips well over a year before: DO NOT SWALLOW STRIP. DO NOT SWALLOW STRIP. DO NOT SLEEP WITH STRIPS IN. DO NOT SWALLOW STRIP.

I had to know if what I'd spat into our garbage was one strip or two stuck together. I retrieved the bag, picked up something that looked like a freshly flung loogie, and unrolled a single whitening strip.

I ran back to my bed to google whether or not I was going to die from sheer and utter stupidity and found out from several sources that you are really not supposed to swallow the strip. Really. So good to know. One person gave numbers for poison control, and everyone else who said anything past DON'T DO THIS YOU IDIOT, said I wouldn't die, I just might experience a stomach ache and nausea.


I was relieved. And yet still nervous.
I could feel the other strip inside my body somewhere around the center of my sternum.
And yes, somewhere in all of that I wondered if I should stay up, change my clothes, and go for a run because I never see this side of 7 am having slept and then woken up. However I figured if I'm probably going to be aching inside and nauseous, running might not be the best idea. Being semi-conscious might be really great however, so if I can coach my nerves down to sleep I will.



Hey naked apes, don't swallow whitening strips. It may not be convenient to use whitening strips, but it's never convenient to swallow them and await the effects. Seek the satisfying whiteness in your waking hours. And hey, I'd really love it if our teeth could get whiter by us eating white things...because if coffee etc. stains your teeth, the opposite colored foods should apply, so could one of you invent a way to make that happen please?


Thank you.
And if I don't see you,

Good Morning,
Good Afternoon,
and
Good Night.


You're beautiful Nakies,
you're beautiful.